Supafly.com

I know I am not stable. I do not have everything figured out. I am tired of working. No, I love the work I do, whether it is traveling and speaking or running lifeteen.com. I get tired, but that’s how it goes.

What makes me so broken-hearted is that I view my faith, my Christian walk, as work. I am not talking about waking up in the morning thinking, “time to make the Christian.”

What I am talking about is accepting God’s grace is more damn work. I am on an airplane now and I don’t want to be here. I’ve been in the sky for hours and hours today. I am locked into this seat and I am miserable. I am caged. Shouldn’t I be able to let God wash this situation with grace, and be at peace? I want to cry.

Prayer. Prayer–I know–is when I connect with God and he connects with me. How wonderful. Then why do I feel more obligated to pray than drawn to pray? That is so messed up.

Why can’t I just “be”? I know that is what Christians are supposed to do/be.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.

Why can’t I just be?

I am sick of this. I am going to snap. God are you going to help me? DO YOU HEAR ME? I can’t live like this. I’m killing myself.

I am on a little propeller plane to Philadelphia, and connecting to Phoenix. My head hurts, my feet hurt. I spent almost an hour trying to work out my flights back at the airport. It’s just a headache…the kiosk gave me the wrong ticket and now everyone is screwed but no one is taking responsibility. So I’m taking responsibility, and we’ll see how this all turns out. There’s nothing more I can do, so I have to let it go.

I am trying to pray my way out of this one.; Jesus…only Jesus. But it’d be a lot easier to knock myself out and wake up in eight hours in Phoenix. That which does not kill me, will only make me stronger.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Last night at the hotel I upgraded my operating system and lost all of my documents. It’s a heart breaker because that was two months of journals, and endless documents about lifeteen.com. So I am trying to keep it all in perspective. I could sit here for the whole flight and count all the documents I lost, or I could think of it as having a clean slate for more ideas. It’s not like the ideas went anywhere. They are still in my head. Maybe when I pull them out again, they’ll be more fresh and useful.

I just want to be at the beach hanging out with Candyce.

I forgot I had to be in Pennsylvania to even do a talk. I had just gotten back from the Challenge and didn’t think I had any events to go to. I went into the studio to get crackin’ on the website, glanced up at my calendar, and realized I had to be on the other side of the continent tonight. Ah man…

I am such a mess right now. Yuk.

The day in Scranton was cool. Though I was still battered from the Challenge, I was able to connect with the teens. I spoke in a large gym to a few hundred teens. They had a full day of events planned, and I was just an hour of it. I could tell people had worked hard to pull the day together.

It’s beautiful, really. There are so many individuals out there just sucking pleasure out of this planet. Everyday it’s about me! me! me! But not in Scranton, people spent months getting ready for this. Why? To let people know that God loves them.

Wow…this is my first day back to my real world. I’ve spent the past two and a half, almost three months getting ready for the Challenge, and now I’m done. I’m in a daze.

I feel very good about the whole experience. I went there and did what I had to do. I won’t be able to upload any journals from the show until the show actually airs. But I am at peace now. I wasn’t sure how God would answer my prayers, so I wasn’t surprised by how it all concluded. I just went in prepared and prayerful, and let God do the rest.

This afternoon Matt M., Bart, and I got brunch then ran some errands. I’ve never enjoyed such normal tasks so much. Alright…we get to go the gas station!

Compared to the RW/RR Challenge, I feel like every other challenge I have waiting for me is simple and attainable. It’s all within my control, banking on my talents and hard work. I put them both out there, and it’ll come together. As much of a comfort as that is, it’s such an adventure to be unsure.

I hated the drama, politics, and manipulation. I am thankful to be freed from that. It’s dirty. I was irritated that there are so many people who think illogically. Then again, if we all thought logically, it would be clear who should be voted off and who would stay. Those who should go don’t want to go, so they’ll do everything they can to stay.

I don’t know if I am tired or or rested. But I do feel good. That’s all I have to write about that.