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This show was never about me looking cool. “Looking cool” is about the most fleeting, vain aspiration anyone could have. Even if you win the pursuit, you are the king of selfishness.

No. I went on this show to help people. My cast mates didn’t all understand that. Some of them couldn’t stand me. But that wasn’t going to stop me from doing what I went there to do. I was a missionary.

I am a CHRISTIAN! I am a CHRISTIAN! I am a CHRISTIAN!

I have been called to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Last night was possibly the biggest night of my life. I’ve spent all day talking to my friends on the phone.

This afternoon was so ragged and stressful because I couldn’t find my keys. It wasn’t the best primer for watching the first real episode of The Gauntlet. How are they going to edit the show? How will I be portrayed?

The hour before the show was stressful…pacing around the house praying, trying to stay busy. I was determined to keep my joy. Soon the living room was filled with friends and the show began. I knew it was going to be a big show for me, because I was there and I know that a lot went down.

Some parts were wonderful. We jumped up and cheered. There was so much chastity, Life Teen, and Christianity packed into one hour-long episode. Other parts weren’t so good. It’s hard to tell the whole story in such a short amount of time, and I think the storywriters and editors were fair.

The show rapped up, and my cell phone rang for the rest of the night. I had friends from around the country calling me to congratulate me. The best compliment I got was from my friend Steve Allgeyer. He called me and told me how proud he was of me, that he was so excited to know me, that I stuck to my guns no matter what it cost me. I stood out in my driveway and listened and felt his hug all the way from St. Louis.

I called Candyce’s family in California and let them know it was okay to watch. They have young kids, and I don’t to corrupt them just because they could watch me on TV.; A couple hours later they called up. John laughed it off and said I might need some therapy after that show. Rhonda told me that she loved me before, but she loves me even more now. She started crying during the show, she was so proud. Lauren (14) is such a sweet girl, and it meant so much for me to talk to her. Most of the viewers are her age, and it was affirming to hear her say how proud she was to be Catholic.

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So now I am sitting here in my bed, unable to sleep because the adrenaline is still pumping. I am so thankful to have this moment. This episode was HUGE to me. I left the Real World unsettled and unsure of everything that happened. I’ve spent three years traveling the country speaking to teens about my Faith. I truly feel that tonight, if any of those young people saw the show, they connected with me.

I just have to pray:

“God, you’ve called me to a radical, challenging life. I’ve given you all I have. I don’t know what more I can do. Thank You for giving me strength and courage to thrive in the mission You’ve called me to. I have faith that right now You are moving in the hearts lives of all viewers of tonight’s show. Please surround them with people who can love and support them. I surrender these upcoming shows to You. I believe that You will not leave me orphan. Amen.”

Here’s a summary I wrote for another section of this website that I took down:

Mission 1: Snake Soup
A couple days after arriving in Telluride, we started the challenges. Getting ready that morning felt like we were getting ready for war.

Naked Without Shame:

• We were upstairs in our first team meeting, and we all shared our expectations. I explained that because I am the spokesman for Life Teen, a Catholic youth ministry, I would not do anything that bring scandal. In other words, I wouldn’t get naked for money. I am not afraid of nudity, that’s how I came into this world, but that doesn’t mean I need to get naked in front of millions of people for a few thousand dollars.
• I was happy they put this on TV, because Life Teen is very important to me. I’ve dedicated all three years after The Real World to the ministry of Life Teen, and I hoped they would show that.
• Half of the money I made off the show would go to a summer camp for teenagers, the other half goes to a orphanage in Mexico. The show is over now, and the checks have been passed on to people who need it more. I met a couple dozen of the orphans, and it feels so good to take a situation on MTV and make people’s lives better. I have no regrets!
• With fourteen people crammed into a small room, it got hot fast. Plus, the endless production lights turned into heat lamps. We opened the door then these monster bugs flew in. They would roar and bang against the lights. The audio guys were swatting at them the whole time we met. It was an entertaining sideshow.
• As hot as it was, I kept my Life Teen hoody zipped up to get some good airtime for my boys.

Polar Bear Club:

• ;After a couple days of parties and photo shoots, we were all anxious about our first Challenge. We’d seen The Gauntlet since were first drove into Telluride, and knew we’d be doing some stuff in the water. I am glad we didn’t know.
• I’ve never liked cold water. Who does? But this water was beyond cold. The day before, the pool had to be drained and filled back up. They trucked water from the river and refilled the pool. By the time of the first challenge, it was still freezing.
• 48 degrees! We jumped in the water and it was torture. Your muscles contracted, your lungs hurt, you screamed.
• The goal was to stay above water the longest while wading, not swimming. This was bad because swimming got your muscles moving and you were less cold. Plus, I learned in Boy Scouts how to survive for long periods in water, but that involved dipping beneath the water for periods of time.
• The snakes weren’t fun. I don’t care what you say, deep down everyone has a fear of snakes. Seeing them in a burlap sack was icky. But to have your eyes just a few inches above the water, and to see a parade of snakes swim past your head, that was scary. I yelled.
• The whole time I was asking St. Francis of Assisi for prayers because he loved animals.
• ;I watched this show with my good friend Fr. Dale. He’s brave man, but he hates snakes. I mean, he could see a rope on the floor and have trouble sleeping at night. So I told him he had to cover his eyes.
• As miserable as it was, it felt good to be in the water. I’d trained for months. The unknown of The Challenge was killing me, and finally I was there, doing it. Even now, months after we filmed the show, I get an adrenaline rush thinking about being in that pool with the snakes.
• Indiana Jones has been my hero since I was a kid. But after the movie, I’d ride my bike up and down the driveway in the land of normal. So the little boy in me relished in being in ice-cold water with snakes. All I needed was a whip.
• Most of the people were out of the pool, and it was a fight to stay. Every part of your brain told you to get out.
• The trash talk was fun. It made a stressful situation more fun. I conserved my energy.
• ;The EMT’s on site started to get worried because we were showing signs of hypothermia. The day before they had tested the Challenge, and the longest anyone could last was fifteen minutes. We’d been in for a half hour.
• I got water in my face and started choking. I got out. I’d stayed in a long time for my team, and had given in my all. I was proud of myself.
• There were several people left in the pool, and the production and Johnny decided it’d be best to end the competition quickly. Elka won!
• I was so proud of Elka…our whole team was. I was proud of almost everyone. It felt good to go in there and kick butt.

Going, Going, Gone?

• I met Tonya in the Denver airport before we flew up to Telluride. We connected because she was a foster child, and I had foster brothers and sisters when I was a kid. Plus, she had Christian roots.
• But, Tonya and I had not been getting along in the couple of days before we did the first Challenge. She’s straightforward, and I knew she would bring me up when it was time to vote.
• I respect her for putting our disagreement out there, but I didn’t agree that I should get voted off. On two subjects we had different opinions. Mine was not hers, so she was offended. I explained that hers was different from mine, and I was offended. That didn’t mean she should get voted off. People disagree.
• In the end, David was sent to the Gauntlet. He’s strong and should do well.
• Unfortunately, he got the Gauntlet that every guy loses. In past shows, women have always been able to wrap their legs around the bar and hang longer than men.
• David hung for a few minutes, but couldn’t hang on long enough. It didn’t feel good.

The Aftermath

• David and I talked outside for more than twenty minutes. They reduced it to 20 seconds, so a lot didn’t show. David had gone home early on the last show, and he was sorting out his emotions. We’ve been through a lot together.
• David was right: Life Teen was not in the house and I was not making fans. That didn’t mean I was going to be a lukewarm Christian to make fans.
• Tonya and I reconciled. I was disappointed they didn’t show our conversation on the show, because it was sincere and heart-felt. We both walked away feeling better. But, that didn’t make it to the show.

Early this morning Monsignor Dale and I drove downtown to the Youth Specialties convention. YS provides resources, all types of books, training, and other resources to help churches do better youth minister. They’ve been around for 30+ years, and draw 3000 people to three training conferences each year. This was the first year they’ve had a practicing Catholic be a keynote speaker.

It was so exciting watching Msgr. Dale do his thing. The three thousand people were glued to the stage. I came up and spoke about what it was like being on the Real World and now on The Gauntlet. It was exciting looking out over 3000 people.

The closing song was Matt Maher with Chris Tomlin’s band singing “Your Grace is Enough.” By this time I was back in the audience. It was such a THRILL to see the whole place just getting into Matt’s new song! Plus, Matt admires Chris Tomlin, and it meant the world to play with them. I was singing so loud I lost control of my voice.

Everyone in downtown Phoenix was happy. The sidewalks were flooded with Christians encouraging one-another. The restaurants were filled with people praying before their meals. This is how it is supposed to be!

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Late afternoon Aaron and I drove up to Scottsdale for a Core Member University. At a Life Teen parish, there are young adult volunteers who are the hands and feet of the youth ministry: the Core. So the CMU is a day where Core from around the state come to get trained. I gave a talk on Generation Y. I don’t think it was my best talk, but everyone seemed to enjoy it.

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Aaron and I went to Jenn and Wade Swanson’s house for a party. They are a cool young couple who are involved with Life Teen. They have a cool house and they throw cool parties. Matt Maher came in later, and sat on the piano. The whole place started requesting songs and singing along. It’s amazing…he can play any song you request.

:::

We drove downtown to see the David Crowder Band in concert. We knew it would be almost over, but we caught a few songs. He sang “Deliver Me” and then they jammed out. They are hypnotic. Afterwards we talked to the guys and drove home.

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So here I am sparkling inside. This day has been such a rush. I think God gave me this day as a reward for just being me. I feel wonderful. Thank you.

–I’ve got to write about this. I’m disturbed because I read an article in the paper this morning. A twenty-five year old father was arrested because he sodomized his twelve-month-old son. That ruptured the baby’s heart and killed him. I looked at the guys face next the article, ready for the day I could swing a baseball bat through his face. Evil. What a sick, sick person.

That sticks in my gut, and life goes on.

There are good things happening. Tomorrow morning I am helping Monsignor Dale do a talk for a couple thousand youth ministers at the Youth Specialties convention downtown. I met with him tonight, and Monsignor can’t wait to encourage them to be better youth ministers. He wants me to share about my experience this summer filming the Road Rules Challenge. It’s cool, because the first real episode will air on Monday when all the youth ministers are back at their churches around the country. I really pray the editors and writers are fair.

I don’t know how I feel right now. Darkness and light are fighting inside of me.

Tonight after Mass, Candyce and I went downtown to eat at a spinning restaurant downtown. Most cities have a spinning restaurant perched at the top of the a skyscraper. It’s for a good reason: they are always cool.

The first spinning restaurant I went to was in Atlanta while I was in college. The first time is always the best. Since I was a little boy, I’ve been fascinated with city lights. It could be pages in a magazine, or a car commercial–I’d stop and stare. Atlanta’s spinning restaurant is quite high, maybe sixty stories. As an upperclassman RA at Georgia Tech, I loved taking my freshman residents up there so they could see the wild world beyond their dorm room. Last night was another chapter in my wild world since I’ve left college.

Every pane of glass was a page in the story of my life in Phoenix. It took an hour from start to finish, but the stories crossed two years of memories. I’ve got hundreds of journals to tell those stories. We watched dozens of planes take off and disappear. I’m usually in the plane…I’ve been to so many places on every corner of this country. It’s been a wild ride.

After dessert, we met Matt Maher and Aaron in front of the Civic plaza. We sat down in a cluster of tables in front of the Symphony Hall and enjoyed the Phoenix night. A string quartet played at the end of the court, adding a touch of culture to the night.

All I could think about was a 1992 Chevy Caprice I saw on eBay yesterday. I hope I remember to put a photo of it in this journal, but basically it is the ultimate pimped-out hotrod. It’s black with vicious orange fire. The roof has a rag top that slides back. It’s on bags and eighteen inch rims. It’s got a $7000 sound system. The interior is custom tweed, with leopard-skin flames in the door panels and carpet. It’s got a chrome skull shifter. That all cost $35,000. Bidding is at $7000. The best thing is it’s down in Tucson, only a couple hours away. If it stays below $10,000, I’ll drive down and take a look at it Saturday night, then bid on it Sunday morning.

I just can’t wait to drive it through the city streets. So pimp.

[Note 09-17-03: The bidding on the car went too high. Someone in New Mexico gets to be the pimp.]