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I floored the gas pedal and the car leaped forward like a cheetah. In seconds I passed sixty. The engine revved and the turbocharger hissed. I accelerated through the turn and the tires chirped. The road straitened out and I pushed it to 85. No one was around, just me, the road, and the desert.; –I slammed on the brakes and watch the world whip past me. I sat there on the bare desert road, adrenaline throbbed through my veins. The only sound was the humming engine and the wind whipped dust across the desert. I could’ve squeezed blood out of the steering wheel. I love horsepower.

It is a Volvo 850 T5-R Wagon. Wagon? For most people over 25, “station wagon” is synonymous or “boring” or “I’ve given up on being cool.” But the 850 T5-R is a sports car that I backpack for the adventure. I can have fun when the light goes green, and still have room for my paintings, luggage, and a few friends. This is the kind of car I want, but not this one. I handed the keys back to the owner and hopped in my PT Cruiser to drive home.

Traffic was thick, so I had plenty of time to think about “driving a station wagon.” I know it’s vain, but deep down I love thinking about things that don’t matter. My last show will air this Monday, and who knows what that’ll be like. The editors and storywriters hold my world in their hands….it’s been that way for almost two months of television. There’s a lot of big stuff going on in my life.

I am in a tug-of-war with life. I love the intensity of “The Real World” and “The Gauntlet”, but I savor the intimacy of having dinner with Candyce. What will the rest of my life be like? For the past three years since “The Real World,” I’ve been looking for examples of where my life is supposed to go. First I looked to other kids from the show to see where their lives have gone. We are too different and there’s no comparison.

I realize God created me unique. I am not ordained minister. I am not a celebrity. I am not a Webmaster. I am a little bit of each. I don’t know where this adventure will end, but the uncertainty is most of the fun.

This is an episode summary I wrote for a different section on the site:

Mission 5: Holey Canoe
This was one of the least fun missions. We lost “mud and balls”, but it was still fun. We’d lost too many teammates, and this mission was critical.

Down by the Water

• The drive to the lake took over an hour. I remember it well because I spent twenty minutes of it explaining chastity. In the beginning, the whole van was ragging on me, but by the end, I think they understood where I was coming from.
• We listened to the John Mayer CD in absolute silence. It was a beautiful ride with beautiful music. It took away the stress of uncertainty.
• When we go the lake, it took almost 45 minutes before we got the water. The production folks were still getting the shots ready.
• There were so many times when we’d get to the challenge and we’d have to wait.
• When Johnny was giving us the rules of the game, it was hard for us to take him seriously because the camera was right in his face. It was a moment in un-reality.
• The boat in the background over Johnny’s shoulder was a camera boat.
• Everyone was afraid to take leadership on this mission because that set you up for failure. As a leader, you had a one in two chance of looking good, or bad. But when you are one out of twelve-loser or winner-you are safe to stay.
• Several people mentioned they had experience, and we decided Norm would be in the back, and I’d be in the front.
• I had to plug the Boy Scouts. I am a proud Eagle Scout.
• Before we got started, we had ten minutes to practice. No one would take leadership, so I led the group on how to turn around once we got to the bouys.
• ;You cannot steer a boat from the front. You can say nothing and do nothing, it is only damage control. Norm didn’t rudder well and we went zig zag.
• ;Elka and Coral wanted me out. From the moment we got in the boat, they knew they wouldn’t support me.
• There was a little camera on the front of the boat staring up at me. Apparently, the something didn’t work because they didn’t use any of that footage.
• The whole ride people were yelling trying to sabotage my leadership. Blaming me is foolish and unreal. You cannot steer a boat from the front. But, by blaming me, I go the Gauntlet, and everyone else stays. Take down the easy target.
• We got the buoy and it was a disaster. Everyone was yelling and nobody was listening. I tried to take a vote, but…it was a mess, an absolute mess.
• The walk up the bank was intense.
• NoMoHo.org is on my blue shirt. I stayed up late the night before I left for the show, I spray-painted shirts and watched Gladiator. You’ll also see PornDestroysWomen.org
• Johnny’s hat is the silhouette of a skier catching air. Johnny sent a box over the house and the cast looted it. You’ll see a lot of shirts that say “ski, ski, ski.”
• The long drive home was not fun.
• We were losing missions because everyone was voting out of fear. We were losing because we were not communicating either.

Back at the Ranch:

• You see footage of the golf course that went in front of out house. One night some kids ran up to Adam, scared to death. They were scared to death because some guy with a flashlight was chasing them around on the course. They were playing night golf. I walked the kids back to the hotel. I found out both of them were Catholic, and we went to the same church in Telluride.
• When you see the two Road Rules gals walking down the road, that is the road that goes up to the hotel and the Gauntlet. Up at the curve is a trail that goes off. I would always walk that trail and pray.
• I couldn’t believe they showed Mike and I standing in the kitchen talking. We had that conversation the next day. It fit in nicely to this episodes plot, so it made for a good show. By the way, this is one of the longest unedited sentences they’ve ever put on the show.
• Norm proposed we hand our T-shirts and posters on the wall to promote ourselves. The Life Teen shirt that says “Bayside High” on the wall.
• That vote was intense. Coral didn’t like the idea of leaving, and the emotions were high.
• Elka votes for me, because she and Coral decided that before. Neither of them liked me there because I’d voted for each of them.
• Not once did I get revenge for someone voting for me.
• I felt bad for Coral and Mike. This had been brewing for a while, and it came out sloppy. But I meant what I said, if a relationship can’t overcome a silly show, then what is that relationship based on?
• You’ll see a production assistant in the shot while Coral, Irulan, and Alton are outside talking. He didn’t know he was in the shot because the cameraman was shooting through the upstairs window.
• Nathan gave comic relief by wearing that wig to the Gauntlet. My mom called me on the phone and asked if that was Puck.
• You’ll notice black tape over the Adidas logo on her hoody. They need permission before they show a product, so they usually just make you not wear it, or tape it up.
• While the girls are hanging upside down, you can see people over the fence watching the Gauntlet. This was at a resort, and there were always people snooping around. They had a guard at the Gauntlet around the clock.
• On one shot you can see hotel windows on the third or fourth floor. These people had camcorders and recorded us a couple times.
• They hung there for a while, maybe 15 minutes.
• PornDestroysWomen.org. Good shot.
• We were very happy Coral won. You always root for your team. But it’s a weird situation. You are cheering for people you just decided you were ready to risk losing.
• It’s hard to just watch a show like this as entertainement, because these are my friends who were going through real emotions. Coral and I did not get along, but that doesn’t mean I like to watch her feel bad. I respect Mike, and it’s not good to see what he had to go through either.

I;am sitting at the JFK airport in NYC.; On this high stool I look down the length of an airplane beneath me. Its fin is so tall and powerful, it’s like a big robot dolphin.;

Last night at Our Lady Queen of Martyrs Catholic Church was pretty cool. The church was right on the port. You could stand in the parking lot and skip a rock across the port. The sun was setting and sparkled the whole place to life. For a Saturday night, there were a lot of people there.

It was good to spend time with Deacon Chris, the youth minister at the parish. He’s been through a lot…the church has been through a lot. God still does His work, but it’s been difficult. I was happy to offer whatever support I could. I’d mop the floors if I needed to.

Good Life Teen friends came up for my talk. Todd is from Arizona, but is now a youth minister on Long Island, where he met his now wife, Dominique. So Chris, Todd, Dominique, and I went to a Huntington for a cup of coffee. I was happy that they got to meet each other so they can support each other as they serve God together.

::::

I am on the airplane now on a five-hour stretch back to Phoenix. I realize I have two websites to launch in eight days, which is next to impossible. But all things are possible with God. So that’ll be the end of this journal, and the beginning of a new website.

The police called Fr. Frank and told him to come quickly. Fr. Frank pulled into the driveway of a large, ocean-side home. He stepped onto the porch and saw the father sitting on the swing, face covering his hands. Fr. Frank walks up the stairs and finds the police officers in the little boy’s bedroom. The 10-year-old was dead, limp on the bed. A noose hung from the ceiling.

This afternoon I walked into Fr. Frank’s office, cluttered but cozy. I’d met Fr. Frank (with the long hair) last night at Infant Jesus church, and I wanted to learn more about what this guy’s been doing in this port town in New York. Twenty years ago, many things were going on in his life as a young priest. Seeing the little boy hang himself was only the beginning.

Halfway through our talk, Fr. Frank hopped up to answer someone at the door. The guy whispered something, and Fr. Frank smiled and shook his head. “He’s in the drug club, and he wanted to know if he could go to homecoming tonight at school. If you are in the drug club, you can’t stay out at night.” After an hour talking, we walked across the street to the Hope House. I met a young; guys who were trying to get their lives together. We went to Pax Cristi, a homeless shelter. We passed by halfway houses for people acclimating to life outside the prison walls. I was humbled.

A few hours earlier, I was having a warm cup of coffee while walking on the docks at the port. Port Jefferson is polished and perfect. You would never know that behind the art galleries, woven into the community are havens where people are given a second or third chance.

I have to leave for Centerport in a few minutes. This afternoon was such a gift to me. It really puts life in perspective. It’s time to go.

It’s cold and dark outside, and perfectly clear. I wanted to jump and grab one of the stars. But I’m nestled into this 300-year-old cottage typing by candlelight. It’s autumn and everything smells good. I am in Port Jefferson on the north shore of Long Island, New York. I landed at Kennedy airport late this afternoon to speak at Infant Jesus Catholic Church. It’s been a blessed, unpredictable day.

Clark picked me up from the airport and we trekked across Long Island in rush hour traffic. Clark has a voice like the guy on “Prairie Home Companion” on NPR, which I usually listen to when I drive around on the weekends. So here we are stuck in traffic and I feel like I am talking to the radio, and it’s talking back.

Clark is a music teacher at an excellent Catholic school. You can tell he just loves music and loves his students. I wish I had him as a teacher. Just talking to him I felt smarter.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I could hear a punk band through the brick walls. I knew it was going to be a good night. I walked inside and these guys, Patent Pending, were tearing it up. It wasn’t a traditional opening act for the Mass, but it worked.

After speaking to so many large groups, it’s refreshing to be with a more intimate group. There’s no frenzy about Matt-from-MTV, but a chance for me to make some new friends. There were so many great people to meet. The evening ended with a jam band warming up the place. They were all talented musicians and enjoyed music more than being rock stars.

Granny next door invited me over for tea an hour ago. She told me that the original room in the house was built in the 1600’s. My house in Phoenix is 30-years-old, and I am pushing to get our neighborhood to become certified historic. She shared about all her children and grandchildren. For 71, she still has a lot of fire.

This is another wild night. I’ve gone from the desert to New York City, from a punk band to the Mass, and now I am on Little House on the Prairie.