Supafly.com

When I am not inspired, I stoop to consuming and being entertained. I watch movies, TV shows, and other mindless amusement, like looking at cars on eBay. But they are all the same thing, nothing new. I want to see radical custom hot rods, not another car with 24” rims. I don’t buy anything, but it’s the thought that counts. And I feel kind of dirty.

This has been a difficult year for me. I started working on version2 of LifeTeen.com over a year ago. Five months into the project, we ran out of money. Months went by and nothing happened. I went on an MTV show to kill time. Now I can’t find inspiration.

It’s difficult to work after I’ve lost the fire in my belly. The pasts several months I’ve fulfilled my duty, but not worked out of passion. Everyday I go into the studio and invent tasks for me to complete. There’s always the existing LifeTeen.com but it’s old news to me. It’s hard to date your ex-girlfriend after you’ve met your fiancé.

But this afternoon Phil will sign the contract that brings on a team of coders to help finish the mission. In one week I could be shoulder-to-shoulder with the prodigies, forging our way to the brave new world.

Until then, I’ll sip coffee and type this journal. Now that I’ve typed all of this out, I realize I am sorting out the excesses of my Christmas vacation. I’ve not lost inspiration—I am just frustrated. In a few hours, people will come over for our New Year’s party. So it’s time to get ready. See you next year! (That’s so junior high, but I couldn’t help myself.)

Paul and I stirred the fire while Dad was snoring in his sleeping bag. He was tired—we all were. We’d trudged through snow and darkness for three miles. We knew it was too late, but we decided to go backpacking anyway. It’s time to take on the Appalachian Trail, just like we did in Boy Scouts.

But we’ve grown up. Dad isn’t as fast as he used to be. He was cautious as he crossed the patches of snow and ice. I’m not longer the Senior Patrol Leader. I’ve done a couple MTV shows, graduated college, traveled the country, and now mow my own yard. But what about my baby brother Paul? He grew up when I wasn’t looking.

Paul has always been shy and of few words, so I was so happy to be alone to chat with him.; We talked about everything: college, his girlfriend, his high school memories, and his dreams for the future. He wants to be a criminal investigator. He said, “Kids dream about being a cop or an investigator, but someone has to grow up to be that person.”

He’s right. I’d never be a cop, but who’s to say he shouldn’t be cop. But still, a cop? There’s danger, stress, and corruption. I don’t want my brother in that mess. But he is a good man. Hmmm. He would never shoot anyone, and is too authentic to be corrupted.

After a couple hours of talking, we spread out the coals and went to sleep.

:::

This morning we hiked back into civilization. The winter air was crisp and perfect. I loved feeling small beneath the towering trees. Paul and I talked about technology and the future of computers. We really just want to be spies with cool gear like 007.

After cleaning up from the night in the wild, I hopped in the car with my youngest brother Andrew. This time, he’s driving. Oh no this is still weird. We went to see the last “Lord of the Rings,” but it was sold out. I remember when they built this movie theatre ten years ago. People drove from all over to be entertained. It doesn’t shimmer with excitement anymore.

We crossed the parking lot and went bowling instead. I’ve never enjoyed the sport of bowling, but this time I did. We zipped through four games and managed to play quite well. I was a little embarrassed at the idea of doing so well I’d get my name on the wall with all the locals.;

As I was unlacing my shoes, I looked at the lane next to us. Is that my eighth grade math teacher? I took a leap of faith and walked over to ask. I said hello, and she said, “Matthew! I knew it was you!” After a few minutes of catching up and finding out who is where, I asked her, “Did you hear about either of the shows I did on MTV?”

She smiled and said, “Oh yes, you are quite a star around here.”; I smiled big and felt my face get red. I felt like I was in eighth grade again, and she just told me I made a 100 on my Algebra test. After a few minutes of stories, I gave her a hug and made my way out the door with my grown-up brother.

:::

Life does go by quickly. It’s good to be back in the woods where life does go a little slower. In a couple days, I’ll be on a plane back to Phoenix. But until then, I’ll enjoy being a brother and a son.

I called Candyce in California tonight to talk about our future as a couple. I told her that I like her a lot, and I want to keep taking it a day at a time. She knew what I meant. I knew that she knew it.

I’ve learned not to talk about “marriage” around a woman unless you are ready to marry her. Women are wiser and they think ahead. She has plans for the next four years, and a few careless words out of my mouth can be as good as a proposal. I don’t want to promise her a future I can’t give her.

I would be lying if I said I was being cautious only to protect her.

The fire crackled and I starred at the ceiling in the dark den. After a long pause, I pulled the phone closer and said, “I am afraid of normalcy. I have an unconventional life, and I like it that way.” She quickly said, “Matt, your life will never be average. Nothing you do is average.”

I now marriage doesn’t mean life gets boring. My whole life, I’ve been looking forward to marriage. And now…the puzzle pieces fit. Oh wait. Oh wow. Candyce is wonderful. Wonderful! She will always be wonderful, no matter what age she is, no matter what age I am.; Why do I hesitate?

What’s wrong with me? I’ve asked myself that for several months, and I think it’s a combination of a few things:

1. I am an ass. I am stubborn, but in secretive ways so nobody notices. Yeah, I will give in and see a chic-flick even when I want to see an action-adventure movie. I am not afraid of change, and make a habit of taking chances. It’s not big deal to go on another reality show, but planning a life together is serious business. I want to keep living a kick-butt life, and I don’t want marriage to tame me. I am an ass.
2. I am wise. Candyce I still young and not through with college. I need to focus on using my 15 minutes of fame while I still have it. I am booked to speak through 2004 and into 2005, and I will be gone a lot.

3. I am clueless. I am pragmatic and logical, but love and romance don’t work that way. I make lists when I should be making romance.

I had trouble sleeping last night because of demonic nightmares. I woke up absolutely terrified, babbling prayers that I wouldn’t fall aback asleep. I called Candyce in California, but I only got her voicemail. I cautiously walked in the other room and watched EWTN for a half hour. I would only get back in bed with my Bible by my pillow and my rosary wrapped around my hand.

I know why I had these nightmares. Yesterday I was driving and listened to an NPR special about evil and monsters, and they interviewed author Anne Rice for her perspective. When I lived in New Orleans, I met Anne Rice and spent a lot of time at her house. So I turned up the radio and listened intently as the highway thumped beneath me.

Anne talked about her book, “Interview With a Vampire”, and the insight it gave her on evil. Much of the book was autobiographical, and she named the bits and pieces. She explained when in college she left, “the rich traditions of the Catholic Church for fashionable atheism in college, and the struggle that came after.” This is no surprise, because her house is more like a Catholic church than a house of horrors. I ate dinner with her son as a life-size statue of St. Anthony stood peacefully in the corner.

Although I spent time with her family over my months in the neighborhood, she never spoke much. So to hear her private side was intriguing. In New Orleans she is royalty, and millions of readers around the world treat her the same way. But that admiration doesn’t shield her from the painful realities of life. She talked about losing her baby daughter to sickness, and the helplessness that plagued her since.

They played clips from the horror movies over the past forty years. One of the clips was from “The Exorcist.” I’ve refused to see that movie, but my Scottish friend Fr. Neil told me that they used the recording of an actual exorcism for the voice of the demon. That movie terrified an entire generation.

Evil is not a character in books and movies, but a reality of every day. You can pretend evil does not exist, but that doesn’t change the fact that it does. My mom’s friend had a nightmare that he had gone to hell. He’s an educated, successful man who’s spent most of his life being educated and successful. Between accomplishments and wealth, you can feel invincible in life. But one dream made him look at his life, who he is, and who is not. Weeks after his nightmare, he was afraid to go to sleep at night to face evil again.

I’ve been praying hard today that I won’t enter into that nightmare again. I feel better after writing about all of this.

I am sick at home. This is my second sick day in two years. But, since I have my laptop is my mobile office, I’ll still get a lot of work done. But before I get started, I want to sort out my thoughts.

I am listening to David Crowder, “Oh Praise Him.” What a great song!

Last night we had an XLT Christmas party at my house. All the musicians and techies came together to have dinner and decorate Christmas cookies. It was a great night to spend with friends. Jen Avinzini came now that she is back from college, and this semester Bart and Greg will join her at the Franciscan University of Steubenville. All three have grown up to be such cool people. This is what I love about working with young people—I have so many new friends.

You know, I am sick. I tired just after writing this journal. I am going to get some medicine and watch Columbo. He makes everything right.