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My brother thinks he is losing his hair. He’s in his early 20s and it’s freaking him out. I don’t think he’s really losing that much, but one hair is too much. He thinks its because he stresses out to much. So today I recommitted myself to a stress-free life. I like my hair and want to keep it. But it’s more than that.

The Bible says that worrying is useless because it ruins today, and it doesn’t change anything. It never adds a day to your life. So worrying does absolutely no good. Even if I do go bald, that’s no big deal. When I think about kids with cancer, they are bald and they could also die. I could be bald and live.

I’ve thought a lot about my image this since I’ve been on The Real World. In high school, I learned to be confident with myself and accept who I am. But I went on a huge show on MTV, there are millions of people who pick me a part. Most people grow up and out of that drama, but I’ve been smothered by it for the last four years. Again, I learn to be confident with myself and accept who I am.

But it was hard to go on the Road Rules Challenge and be compared to the other cast members. The show forced us to be very critical of each other so we could decide who deserved getting voted off. So everyday, my physical strength, personality, leadership, and charm was being measured against a dozen very impressive people. We all woke up each morning wondering, “Am I valuable to these people? What am I worth to them?” It’s not fun.

You can spend your whole life trying to change who you are. People spend billions of dollars each year trying to feel better about themselves. It seems like we can never get enough. There’s always someone we can compare ourselves to, someone who’s better at something. At what point are we happy? It’s not enough to be talented, funny, good looking, and successful. You wonder why you can’t be smart and charming too.

People always admire someone with a good self-esteem. Young people need to know that everyone can have a good self-esteem, not just people with pretty body parts. So through it all, I just have to be thankful for how God made me. He didn’t make any mistake when he made me. (Or you.)

I am sitting in the El Paso airport waiting for the plane to land and then take me back to Phoenix. It’s always interesting to be in Texas, but a visit to El Paso is almost a trip to another country.

The vast majority of the 700 kids who came out this weekend were Mexican. They are Texas-born Americans, but they are Mexican to the bone. There are always Mexicans at events I speak at, but never this many. It’s never comfortable to talk about differences in the races, because you don’t ever want to be misunderstood. But I can’t deny that these were the most friendly and laid-back people.

I’ve never had so many people tell me, “Good Morning!” Seriously, this morning I must’ve had 50 people tell me good morning. Everyone smiled. The teenagers were so open and ready to hang out with each other. Even the dozen or so middle school kids I met were so cool. They were open, friendly, polite, and made good conversations.

This is such a contrast with what I saw a couple nights ago at; the movie theater in Phoenix. Sergio and I to film a segment with teenagers explaining what it means to “hang out.” Monsignor Dale wants to use this video tonight at Mass to illustrate how we are a culture of “hanging out.” We spend time with other people, but we don’t really invest in each others’ lives. We spend time at church, but we don’t really engage ourselves. We just hang out there.

So Sergio and I sat on the benches and watched the 100s of teenagers hanging out in front of the movie theater. Judging from the number of people there, it was absolutely the place to be. But so few of the teenagers were smiling. They stood there with attitude, full of judgment. Pride and bitterness are self-inflicted misery.

Psalm 138: 7-8
“Though I walk in the midst of dangers,
You guard my life when my enemies rage.
You stretch out your hand; your right hand saves me.
The Lord is with me to the end.
Lord, your love endures forever.
Never forsake the work of your hands.”

I could presume that these verses from Scripture are about God ensuring the success of my ministry. But the more I pray about it, the more I see that “never forsaking the work of your hands” has nothing to do with the work of MY hands. I am His child, and he will not forsake me. He will save me from myself.

With every failure and frustration, God is teaching me. He is hammering my soul into shape with adversity. I experienced enough life to know that the worst thing God could do is say “yes” to all my prayers.

Things aren’t working out like I want. So I pray hard. And keep truckin.

Both times I’ve gone out to see Candyce this summer, I feel like I didn’t get any attention from her. I just was not a priority. I talked to her about it a little bit while I was out there, and I thought things were going to get better. Her summer at the beach is finished, and she and her family drove into Phoenix Friday night. She gave me a hug at the door and walked passed me. She was consumed with everything but me.

I figured they had a stressful drive and she just needed to rest. So before I left, I asked her if she’d be able to hang out with me this week. She said no, because she needed to spend time with her family while they were in town. (Didn’t you just spend the last three months with them? At what point do I become a priority?)

Ugh. I hate that feeling. There’s nothing worse than feeling unloved by a person who is supposed to love you. I spent most of Saturday feeling like junk. I woke up miserable and went to sleep miserable. I avoided going over her house. Saturday night I went to a party with her family, and it was more of the same. I might as well have not been there.

So tonight after XLT she and I were driving to dinner when I told her everything that was on my mind. I spilled it all out. She listened, and then explained what she’s been going through. Once we understood what the other person coming from, everything started to make sense. We went back and forth, trying to sort out our feelings and emotions. It got intense. An hour later, we got out of the car, held hands, and walked into the restaurant. That was the best hour of the whole summer.

Before we ended the night, I reiterated what she was going through. Then she explained what I was going through. Man, having the other person explain it back to you is awesome.

I am feeling emotionally messy, but I know this will pass. We are going the right direction again, and that gives me peace.

I had a really hard heart today. We are choosing a new company to work on the new version of lifeteen.com, and we have to be cautious and thorough every step of the way. So I spent most of today tallying up all the problems we had with the last; company. I started with one paragraph and I kept going for ten pages.

It was such a yucky feeling, like I was writing about the problems I had with an ex-girlfriend. I am getting tired of stirring up old emotions and frustrations. I just want to be done with this part of my life and move onto something greater.

By mid-afternoon I was pretty much a wreck. I was a stressed-out and carnky. I just wasn’t smooth at all. I prayed that I would calm down and then I put on love songs from the 80s. It’s hard to take yourself too seriously when you are listening to music that cheesy. It was just what I needed.

Tonight I went to Life Teen’s House of Prayer. Two young women live in the house; and they pray all day for Life Teen. That’s their job. There were a dozen young adults there for the evening in a prayer meeting. We mostly just sang songs, but in the silence people would read something from the Bible, or just say something cool: From the heart of a faithful son comes life-giving water.

I think this means that if we serve God, our service will bring life to those around us.
I needed to hear this, because I am always setting out on a new adventure in serving God. With every dream, I have to figure out if it’s just my ambition, or if it is truly God’s will. (A lot of this is because I want to marry Candyce.)

I’m not sure how God tells me what to do. For some folks, they get a deep gut feeling. Or they pray a lot about it and their heart starts burning. I’m wired differently: I just think a lot. That’s all I do. I’ve been like that my whole life, and I have to trust that God is going to work with me just as I am. And I have to trust that if I am praying and trying to love God, then He’ll give me the right thoughts that will lead me down the right path.

My Grampa is a real faith-filled guy. He’s been in charismatic prayer groups since he was young. He laughs about how everyone in his old prayer groups never made decisions, but God always “lead them to do it.” Grampa told me that you make decisions, and God works with you from there.

Candyce comes back to Phoenix tomorrow night because school is about to start. She smooths me out because my heart pumps harder than my brain.