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In the Hotel Lobby:

Last night I shared a hotel room with Tom Booth. It had been a long day, and we were both tired. We each fell onto our beds and went silent. We’d been “on” for the past twelve hours in front of a couple thousand people.

We flicked on ESPN hoping to see footage of riot at the Pistons game. It was a guilty pleasure, watching players punch fans and fans punch back. Testosterone.

During the commercial, I asked Tom what it was like to be there in the beginning of Life Teen twenty years ago, and if today was anything special. “Was it inspiring to see that many teenagers come together, or was it just more of the same?”

Tom stared at the TV, and I don’t know if he even heard me. Just as I was about to ask again, he turned to me and spoke slowly: “I’ve been to a so many events where a lot of teenagers show up and pray. It’s wonderful. But what really made me feel good was to share the stage with the young guys: you, Mark Hart, Steve Algeyer, and, even though he wasn’t there, Matt Maher too. It makes me feel good to know that the future of our ministry is in good hands. You guys are absolutely sold out for Jesus.”

:::

I am sitting alone in the John Wayne Airport in Orange County. Tom and Phil left on an earlier flight, so I’ve had a couple of hours here by myself. (Nothing new.) It is still early in the morning, and the line at Starbucks was twice as long as the line at the security check. I had nothing better to do, so I joined the line.

With my hot coffee in my hand, I walked the length of the airport and watched the world wake up through the tall windows. I thought about my future and what God had in store for me.

Beyond the demanding work schedule I’ve had this fall, I’ve been in a difficult place spiritually. I haven’t felt the presence of God in several months. It doesn’t matter how hard I pray or how much I don’t, nothing changes. I’m going through the motions. I feel like God has ignored me. I feel alone.

But right now, I can feel God working on my heart. I feel a glowing warmth in my chest that I can’t describe. If any of the people sitting around me were to look at me, they would have no idea what’s going inside of me. I think I’m going to turn off this computer and savor this rare moment.

This morning I thinned;out my wallet before I drove to the airport. It’s no fun carrying around a brick in your back pocket. I left a pile of business cards and receipts on my night stand.

Since Thanksgiving is this Thursday, the airport was a madhouse. The lines downstairs at the ticket counters wrapped around airport and out the door. There were workers in matching uniforms shepherding the masses into order.

I hate missing my flights, so I sprinted upstairs hoping that the security lines weren’t as crazy. They weren’t too bad, but I couldn’t afford to take my time. I quickly checked in at the kiosk and got me ticket.

I winded my way to the front of the security line and opened my wallet to pull out my drivers license. I couldn’t find it. It was gone; I left it at home. I turned around and looked at the hundred people in line behind me. There was no way I could go back home and get it. I turned back and stared at lady. “I don’t have my drivers license. I don’t know where it is, but it’s not here.” She didn’t say anything, she just looked disappointed.

[ ! ] I felt like I had to justify who I am. I was ready to blurt out my name, where I was born, my Social Security number. I wanted to tell the story of why I was going to Orange County, what I do for a living–everything! It was so awful feeling like I wasn’t a person. I was ready to grab some high schooler in line to explain to the security lady that I was indeed Matt from MTV and that I was voted off a show this time last year. [ ! ]

After a long, awkward pause, she asked me, “You don’t have to ID?” It was as if she was in disbelief. “No, ma’am. I do not.” At this point, I thought she would send me home or zap me with a Tazer gun. To my delight, she didn’t do either. She sent me through intense security. They frisked me in ways I’ve never been frisked before. I’ve never let anyone touch me in those places.

The dude searching my luggage carefully unpacked everything. He looked at one shirt, then looked up to me. I felt like I had to explain my fashion decision. He asked me, “Why aren’t you wearing your ‘I’m not Famous’ shirt?” I was so startled he remembered what I wore last time, that I didn’t know what to say. Instead I smiled and helped him repack my bag. I told him I’d see him next week and I ran off to my gate.

:::

Now I am on the quick flight from Phoenix to Orange County, California. I hope they let me back through security to get home. Oh well, I guess that’s all part of the adventure.

Today I did the dumbest thing at the mall. I was at American Eagle and I just got done telling the counter girl that American Eagle gave us free clothes on the “Road Rules Challenge.” Part of the reason I told her was because I figure it would make her day at work a little more interesting, but I mostly said it to show off.

I was showing off because I was feeling insecure because there were all these Catholic school girls walking around the mall. I know they go to Xavier, and I’ve spoken at there school a couple times in the past few years. As each group of plaid skirts came close, I felt obligated to say hi and reintroduce myself, like an old friend whose lost touch. But I got scared because what if I said something to them, and they weren’t at the school when I gave a talk? Then I’d look like a weirdo out of college who hangs out at the mall to hit on Catholic school girls.

To avoid the awkwardness, I ducked in American Eagle to look at pants. I bought them then bragged about being on MTV. All the workers were smiley because we all felt cool. I grabbed my bag then spun to walk away. I slammed into a sunglasses display. I didn’t bump into it–I nearly flipped the thing over. The sunglasses clanged and clattered and the whole store stared at me.

“Tell everyone you know that an idiot from MTV came in here and made a fool of himself. Tell them how uncool I am.” They all laughed, and I walked out the door trying to be uncool. Or cool. I can’t remember.

I am on a night flight from Phoenix to Philadelphia. I love flying at night because people are more still. The darkness makes me feel less exposed. It’s almost possible to feel like I’m the only one on the plane. I imagine this journal is going to be long.

I have goals. I want Lifeteen.com booming with tens of thousands of teenagers come by the site everyday. They are uplifted, inspired, and affirmed. We are publishing a phenomenal magazine that reaches 100,000 readers a month. Each of my personal websites is loaded with quality content: kustoms.com, nomoho.com, tentforlent.com, porndestroyswomen.org. Thousands come by everyday. A generation is inspired! At the end of the day, I come home to a simple and charming home. The landscaping is healthy and thriving. My home is a soft place to fall.

I am determined to make these goals become reality. So at any moment of any day, I know exactly what work needs to get done in every project of my life. Luckily, my biggest passion is also my full-time job. Thank God!! I spend my weekends on the road doing talks. That’s awesome too. But in the few hours free during the rest of the week, I am fighting to finish everything else. There just is not enough time!

So about a year ago, I took a practical look at my life and decided to unload small projects so I could give more time to important goals. It started with simple things. I hired a handyman to fix my plumbing. I let a mechanic change my oil. I paid a restaurant to fix my dinner and wash my dishes.

So here I am a year later, and my life is better for it because I can spend me time working on things that are important to me. But still, I want to accomplish my goals sooner. So I am re-evaluating my life to see what other tasks I can have somebody else do. I think it’s time to start hiring people to help me with parts of my websites.

Each of my websites is a unique concept and has tremendous potential. It’s worth spending the money to hire someone to; unlock that potential.

Monsignor Dale has been preaching that Christians must engage the culture. Too many Christians have retreated from society and created their own subculture. That is so appalling, I don’t even want to get into that. But I do want to write this journal entry to help sort out my thoughts about the media.

Basically, I’ve had an intense relationship with the media for four years:

1. Television. I’ve been on two reality shows on MTV, where I witnessed the mind-boggling influence the media has on young people. It is a terror how much influence has been entrusted to me.
2. Radio. I spend an hour each morning listening to liberal NPR and conservative AM talk radio. I see how both camps go about rallying their troops. Their listeners are die-hard.;
3. Internet. The Internet is where anybody can become an authority on anything. Somehow, “blog” is the name given to a regularity-updated person website. Overnight, millions of bloggers become political pundits and undermine the news industry. Teenagers spend more time on the Internet than they do watching TV. As a one-man show, I real-in a solid 20,000 people a day through all of my sites. How crazy is that?;
4. Print. Print doesn’t get the hype that the others do, but it’s still a force to be reckoned with. Magazines and newspapers are everywhere. (They follow you to the toilet.) I’ve been in more papers than I can count. I’ve been misquoted half of the time, yet people still believe I said that.

So if Christians are going to engage this culture, it will have to include the media. After all, it is through the media and the business world that most Americans shape their beliefs. I don’t have know exactly how this is going to work out. I just know it has to happen.