Supafly.com

Today is my birthday. I am now 27 years old. Birthdays always make someone sentimental and reflective, but it’s too early in the day to start that. What I do know is that birthdays are fun because at random moments of the day, you can feel special.

I’m at Candyce’s coffee shop right now. The best birthday present is knowing that I honestly have only a few hours left until my landscaping is complete. This is all that is left:

1. Lay six feet of curb.
2. Trim landscaping fabric
3. Plant Lantanas
4. Cut down old vine, plant new vine
5. Paint the high trellis on the house

Okay, it will take more than three hours now that I type it out. Every time I’m this close to finishing a big project, I slow down near the end. Maybe I don’t physically slow down, but when without mountains of work waiting for me, I can be free to enjoy each moment. So it feels like I am slowing down. But it doesn’t matter either way because I love landscaping.

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I turned on the spotlights tonight after sunset to squeeze in another couple hours of work. I’d been listening to Christmas music on the radio all day. The high school a half mile away had some big event at their football game. Depending on how the wind blows I can hear the announcer. It was a breezy night, so I turned down my Christmas carols to listen to the show.

The show began with a bang with the “Star Spangled Banner”. I paused for a moment of reverence, then I continued shoveling gravel. An hour later, I was getting more weak. I plopped into a lawn chair in my backyard. I don’t know if that chair has ever held such a broken body. Then came “Summer of ‘69″ by Brian Adams. It was a strange sentimental moment. I admired my landscape under the harsh lights, all the while imagining the lives of people who get sentimental when they hear those words, “Those were the best days of my life…back in the summer of ‘69.” It makes me laugh, because half of the people who hear the song weren’t even alive in 1969.

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Wow I’m tired. It’s time to go to bed, but I want to finish this journal first. Tonight after finishing my landscaping, cars started to line the streets for the joint birthday party for Matt Maher and myself. It was a fun party because everyone spent time outside rather than inside. This is the exact opposite my parties last year. I guess my landscape is a success.

I’m sitting in Candyce’s coffee shop on a chilly morning in Phoenix. I mean, I know people think it never gets cold in Phoenix, but it’s 45 degrees out there! Normally on a free day I’ll get up early to get yard work completed before it gets too hot. This morning I woke up freezing under four layers of blankets. There was no way I’d hurry outside to start working. There is no heat to avoid today.

Whether or not it’s complete, today is the last day of my landscaping. I only have a few days left on my vacation and I have a several other small projects around the house that need to get finished. So today I am hope to plant three barrel cactus, lay a lining of landscaping fabric, spread gravel, and then finally lay the curb. Then it’s done.

This month of vacation has been very healthy for me. The most obvious gain has been getting my house in better order. But the best part of thirty days has been giving space in my day to make room to think in a different way. I can’t explain what the new thoughts are, but it’s enough to feel new ideas swirling in my head. When they settle down long enough, I’ll write it all down.

I don’t know. After taking time off of work this month, I know for sure that I will not put in the same excessive hours I have given over the past four years. It’s not because I have given up hope, but I realize that my extra effort has given others in our organization the illusion that everything is okay with the website. If it ain’t broke, why fix it?

It’s embarrassing that it has to come to this, but I have to fail before others will realize that I need help. So if someone needs something done on the website, I have to tell them that realistically, I can’t do it. Before I stayed late and tried to get it done, and now I’m more realistic. There simply isn’t enough time. So what was once my own frustration is now everyone’s frustration. I almost feel bad by failing them, but it’s the only option I have. I am tired of celebrating such small success. Everytime I read of someone else’s success story, I ache inside, knowing that my successes can be just as grand–but they are not. I have a profound drive inside of me to be successful. I cannot shake it. It might be my vanity or ego. All I know is the drive is there, it has always been there, and it will never go away. I don’t like the fact that I am aging, and my successes are not growing.Part of me wonders: does it really have to be this hard? Does progress have to be so slow? I’m almost 27 years old, and I’ve worked for Life Teen since I graduated college. How can I do so well at my job, yet not be supported by having more staff?Part of me wants to break free and find a place where I can be as creative as I want to be. So far, these have been my options:

1. Move to San Diego and start a landscaping design company;
2. Go full-time with nomoho.com
3. Real Estate investor: buying homes, fixing them up, then selling them.
4. Open a coffee shop with Candyce
5. Start a web design company
6. Open a franchise of a successful restaurant
7. Start my own website and magazine combination
8. Full time speaker
9. Independant Industrial Design firm creating clever products for internet sale
10. Go to grad school for architecture or building constrution
11. Join corporate America and see how much someone will pay me
12. Start a record label
13. Open a hot rod and custom car shop
14. Go to grad school to get my MBA
15. Try to be an apprentice to “the world’s best” at something
16. Design T-shirts for bands
17. Work for;a progressive surf company. Become a Bob;Hurley.
18. Write a book.
19. Start a website that sells custom cars;
20. Partner with my girlfriend’s dad as a real estate investor
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I’ve avoided complaining to my bosses because I know our organization already has enough to deal with. But I am getting to a point where it either needs to be fixed or I will find another job. Part of my feels like I am abandoning a key part of who I am: an idealist who wants to change the world. Maybe it’s time for another ideal.

It’s been a very difficult week for the youth ministry that I work for. Earlier this week, one of our founders–a priest–was arrested for accusations of misdemeanors for sexual offenses. Almost a year ago, a guy accused him of witnessing his sexual abuse twenty years ago. When I heard the news then, I was devastated. The accused person is a friend of mine, a remarkable man who has done great things.

Even though he is my friend, I know that it was dangerous to assume that he is innocent or believe he is guilty. The truth is, I don’t know what did or did not happen twenty years ago. Either way, there are a lot of people in pain right now. If the accusations are true, then what happened is truly horrible and not of God. If the accusations are false, what is happening now is truly horrible and not of God. Only time will tell.

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There is just so much going on with my career right now. It’s not a “career” in by the conventional definition, because it’s about serving God. It’s not about climbing a corporate ladder or increasing my salary. It’s about helping teenagers. I’ve given my whole life to this mission over the past four or five years. Now I’m left wondering what’s next.

Up until now, I’ve given ALL my creativity to Life Teen. Instead of starting my own Catholic website, I design one for the organization. Most of the ideas on lifeteen.com were originally intended for supafly.com, but I figured it was best to give to something bigger than my personal website. So for the past four years, I’ve been a one-man web division, a self-contained creative branch of the ministry. Everything you see on lifeteen.com has come out of my head. Every pixel, every section, every T-shirt in the store. What’s happening now is that I have this huge, beautiful website: lifeteen.com. But I have NO STAFF to update it. I am infinately frustrated because we have so much potential, but it’s not coming to life. I mean, I’ve done nothing but exceptional work for the four years that I have worked for Life Teen, and what help do I get? A single intern. One person! How is the website supposed to flourish with a staff of two people? I mean seriosly, what’s wrong here?My frustration has caused me to doubt the leaders of our organization, the board of directors, and even our ministry as a whole. Then I wonder if maybe I’m expecting too much, and that I need to be more patient. At this rate, it’ll be ten years before I can have a staff of just four people. I’ll be 37 years old. I think it is foolish for me to wait for ten years to get what we need right now. All of this turmoil comes from the fact that one of our founders in trapped in a legal battle. People don’t want to donate money because are afraid of the outcome–and rightfully so. While their donation dollars stay in their pockets, our healthy, talented, and well-balanced staffed is forced to make up the difference by working twice as hard with less money. We are stretched thin. How long will this last?Maybe my expectations were too high. I believed that if I designed a terrific website, the people in charge of funding our ministry would find a way to fund this new, terrific part of our minstry. My job was to create, their job was to fund. I would like to say that the money people have succeeded in doing the bare minimum of keeping our website online, but that isn’t entirely true. Yes, the website is online. But we are terribly understaffed. Three-quarters of the website have not been updated since we launched the site earlier this year. I just can’t believe that I am supposed to design the site, edit all the content, post everything, and on top of that, go out and raise money to keep it online. I can’t do all of that!;We are in a vicious cycle. Our online store is not bringing in enough money to pay for a new staff person. The reason our store is not bringing in enough money is that our “shipping department” is a part-time intern. We can’t hire someone else because we don’t have the money; we can’t get the money unless we hire another person.

Where is God in all of this? I ask myself this because I do not know.;

One thing I never want to be is a victim. The last person I ever want to be is a victim–someone who feels damned by the world, helpless and hopeless. Yes, people can screw you over. Bad things happen, but nothing is worse than just giving up and bitching about how everyone else did this to you.I will not be a victim. So what do I need to do? I need to look to solve all of my problems myself. I cannot expect anyone to provide more employees for the website. I need to set up a dynamic, exciting internship program for the studio. This will give me more bright minds to run such a big website. Not only will I have to set up the internship program, I will also have to find a way to fund it as well. This might mean I have to create posters to sell on the website. Whenever anyone buys a poster, all the money goes right back into the website.A year ago, when I first heard the news that one of our founders was charged with sexual abuse, I knew that I would have to be an unmovable source of strength within our organization. I would not let a very good organization collapse because of accusations that we don’t even know are true. But here I am, frustrated beyond belief, wondering if it’s worth seeing this organization through. What will happen if we make it through? Will I still have no staff?

Yesterday the former pastor of my church was arrested on ten misdemeanors involving sexual abuse. When the charges were brought against him almost a year ago, I was shocked. He has been a dear friend since I met him five years ago, and I cannot believe that that he would do the things that people are saying he did. How could someone who has done such good also do such evil? I guess it’s up to the judicial process now to determine whether the accusations are true or not.

For the last year I’ve prayed, not knowing how any of this would turn out. There was a looming fear that the accusation could be true. Then yesterday morning, he was arrested. The local news has been buzzing with the the contradiction between the positive impact of the priesthood and the accusations against him.

I don’t know whether or not he is innocent or guilty. Speculating on his innocence or guilt is foolish because I don’t know what happened. The truth is that nobody knows right now. All anyone knows is rumor or hearsay. Trying to collect evidence for either case in my head only makes me nervous and upset. Instead, I pray for the truth, for Monsignor Dale, and for the people who’ve brought accusations against him.

Last night I went to Mass to pray for the whole situation. It was awkward because the parish was filled with people with so many emotions: anger, frustration, disbelief, sadness. I stood there in the middle of everyone–without any emotion at all. My mind was clear and my heart was at peace. I couldn’t feel what others felt. I went to show my support, to pray, and because I didn’t know what else to do.

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I finished the night by hanging Christmas lights on my house. It’s always scary to pop my head up into the dark attic. You never know if there was a crazy gorilla man standing in the corner. I grabbed the big rubber container and closed the hatch before the crazy man could kill me.

There’s something comforting and magical about plugging in a string of Christmas lights and watching the dark green box ignite into a soft glow. It’s just as magical today as it was when I was a kid helping Dad decorate our home in North Carolina. But tonight I’d be hanging these lights by myself.

It was cold enough outside to wear my fleece jacket. This is a rare occasion in Arizona. To further capture the moment, I ran inside and put on some Christmas MP3s and parked my speakers in the window. I wish my neighbors were outside celebrating the moment too, but I was just me, Alvin, and the Chipmunks.

Hanging Christmas lights is tedious and humbling ordeal. You have to climb the ladder, staple the string of lights, and then step down the ladder. You move the ladder three feet forward, and you do it all over again. I was feeling good about my progress until the string went dark, probably because of a loose bulb. After a few shakes, it’s best to just take it down and start over with a new string of lights.

In the monotony of hanging the lights, I tried to sort out the insanity of the day. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in Monsignor Dale’s position. While I am continuing an American homeowner’s tradition, he’s being humiliated in front of the world. Regardless of what he did or did not do in the past, today is an awful day for him–for anyone in that position.

It was getting late, so I dragged the rubber box of Christmas lights into the garage and called it a day. I washed my hands and went to sleep.