I’ve spent the past several days in Southern California for my buddy Adam’s wedding. Here’s how it went…


Thursday’s Bachelor’s Party

The best part of the bachelor’s party was hanging out with Carolyna’s sylver-haired Mexican father in his garage. We shot pool, listened to music, and talked about cars. Within 20 feet of his garage door were several classics in different phases of perfection: ‘56 Chevy Bel Air 2 door hard top, ‘65 Impala SS Convertible, ‘78 Superbeatle Convertible, and a another mid-60’s GM convertible. It was awesome.

The second half of the bachelor’s party was cigars and video games. I don’t get into the games, so after one cigar, I fell asleep on the couch, only to be waken up every 5 minutes by celebrations of video game victory. Grown men with cigars bobbing out their mouth, swinging a Nintendo Wii controller around their heads in celebration of triumph. By three in the morning my eyes and lungs began to burn from cigar smoke.
Friday’s Night on the Titanic

Johnny, Candyce, and I got a room on the Queen Mary on Friday night. This was quite a treat because the Queen Mary is bigger than the Titanic. There’s really no other way to describe except to compare it to the Titanic. It was glamorous, mysterious, and majestic. But of course, the Titanic sunk, which wasn’t much comfort as I brushed my teeth before going to bed. I peeked through the port-hole window before retiring for the night, and it was a beautiful site: Long Beach Skyline twinkling across the bay. And this was from the fourth or fifth level on the boat, which made me fee like I was in a high rise myself.

Saturday’s Mooning

While we groomsman were getting photographed in front of the church early in the afternoon, a teenager boy jumped out of a Mustang filled with friends and mooned us. I thought it was kind of funny, mostly because he had a hairy butt and he looked really dumb. We laughed at him.

After the wedding Mass, friends and family were in front of the church taking photos, telling stories, and giving hugs. Taking more pictures. It was the perfect scene. I was in the Escalade limo with the wedding party celebrating the new couple when we saw another white Mustang pass by the limo, slowing down the closer it got to the church doors. A groomsman yelled out, “That’s them again!!” In a half-second, three of us shot out of the limo like bullets out of the barrel of a rifle.

I charged up to the guy right as he pulled down his pants and began rotating his butt towards the church. At this moment, my adrenaline turned to anger. I mean, there are little kids here with their family, and this stupidass teenager is could scar ‘em with his hairy butt. So I got up in his face and started barking and threating. Soon there another groomsman behind me backing me up. The mooner’s buddy in the passenger’s seat opened up his door to help out his accomplice, and Bart quickly kneed the door shut: “No you don’t.”

This is where it just got stupid. Mr. Shotgun told Bart from inside the car that he liked Bart’s tuxedo. He was trying to mock us, but strangely enough, it sounded like he was giving a sincere compliment. The girl in the back seat was panicking, her hands in her face. Moony acted cocky and confused, muttering words of confusion like somehow I’d cornered the wrong guy. I barked some f-bombs and he finally got in the car. He didn’t have the courage to peel out. And Mr. Shotgun gave one more insult, which again, came off as a compliment: “You guys look really nice in your tuxes!”

This all went down in less than ten seconds.


Saturday Night Fever on The Big Ship

The wedding reception was on the Queen Mary’s main deck near the front of the ship. The music was great and the party was hoppin’. When I needed some fresh air, I stepped onto the deck of the ship and leaned against the railing to enjoy the ocean breeze. I promised myself I would not say “I’m the king of the world.” I kept my promise.

A car full of us left the party and drove out of Orange County down to Carlsbad. Everyone felt like they had to talk about the wedding because it seemed like the right thing to do, but all I could do was stay quiet and try to avoid getting run over by every other car and SUV on the highway. I rented the cheapest car I could get, which ended up being a Chevy Aveo, just a couple feet larger in length and width than a go-kart. I could feel every bump in the road through those tiny tires. When you are that small and low, everyone is out to get you. Headlights burned my eyes from behind non-stop for two hours. I was in an exhaustion-induced delirium the whole drive. I promised Adam I’d pray a rosary for him, so I prayed my Hail Mary’s in my head.

We finished in Carlsbad. Danny thought Johnny and I were robbers in the middle of the night, so he flipped out. We laughed. I took of my tux vest, stubbed my toe on a heavy suitcase in the dark. I rolled over on a mattress to moan over the pain and fell asleep within seconds.