I don’t know how I get into these situations. I mean, I cut back on traveling, but somehow I’m scheduled to travel most of the weekends this fall. Most of it is because of the Inspiration Tour that Life Teen hosts in five cities. I’m doing three or four of the events. These are great events, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I’m so active and productive that I am almost depressed.

Someone told me the other day that, “10% of the people do 90% of the work.” I’ve heard that throughout my life, but I’ve never believed it more. I can’t point to who in my life is among the 90% who do mostly nothing. All of my friends are go-getters who make things happen. But, I really do wonder how the other side lives.

It says in the Bible that, “virtue is its own reward.” So as you make the correct moral decisions and live a selfless life, the rewards come from each of those decisions. Most people are too selfish and impatient to try a life like that, so they can’t believe the rewards could be there. I know the rewards are out there, but I’m having trouble feeling that right now.

Now I know I should be thankful for my health, family, friends, and for Candyce. I am very thankful! I have blessing all over, but I guess I am too overworked to really experience those blessings. Poor Candyce and I have to work so hard to make time for each other. Every time we talk on the phone and try to schedule time to spend with each other, there is hesitation in our voices as we try to sort through our million responsibilities and deadlines before we can commit to time with one another. We always DO spend time with each other, but we are always haunted by the world that has demanded much of us.

Why is it like this?

This summer I talked to a young mother backstage at a Steubenville Conference that I was speaking at. Each year she and her husband are a part of a team of volunteers that make the weekend go smoothly. They set up the meals, help people find seats, and run around with walkie-talkies helping people who need it at the moment. She and I sat down for a moment in all the insanity of the weekend, and I asked her why she continues to volunteer every year.

She explained that she knows the weekend is a life-changing experience for those teenagers, and she wants to help in anyway. She went on forever about the stories she’s heard from friends who’ve attended the conference as teenagers. Then she paused and said, “And I know this isn’t the reason why we come, but my husband and I always get a blessing after the conference. It’s a delightful surprise that we look forward to after every conference. I don’t know…God just always has something waiting for us.”

I don’t know, I mean, I’ve gave my all at about 200 conferences like the one she helps out at once a year. I’m not comparing my service with hers or what blessings we are “owed”, but I do wonder if I’m missing a blessing because I am too stupid to see it.

The great saints knew that suffering was a blessing. I wonder about what kind of “blessing” the television preachers are really talking about when they preach about “God’s favor.” Is he talking about the suffering God has given him? It seems like every testimony I’ve ever heard involves them getting rich somehow. It just doesn’t seem right to think that God would make people rich. I can’t make sense of it.

Maybe I am blessed right now in my suffering from working so much. Maybe I’m in the middle of the greatest blessing of my life. I’m not doubting that God is looking out for me, but I am struggling to understand why I am always so tired and lifeless.

I always see advertisements that say something along the lines of, “You owe it to yourself” or “Because you deserve it.” I read that and it resonates deep inside of me. I almost want to turn my car around and read the billboard again just to hear someone appreciate my hard work.

After five years of an insane travel schedule and endless work and personal projects, I wonder if this is how I am going to live the rest of my life. Will I always be too busy to notice the blessings around me? Will I ever be able to lay on the couch and watch a TV show without being haunted by what I’m “supposed to be doing”?

A few weeks ago my mom told me that when I came home for Christmas, I was restless. I couldn’t sit in the room and just be. She explained that my eyes darted around the room and my mind was in another place. She said, “You aren’t content in the normal experience of living.”