Supafly.com

I find that the further I get from MTV, the happier I am. It is a difficult realization, because the further I get form MTV, the further I get from fame and glamor. That’s fine, I just don’t want to lose my influence.

This society values fame and glamor so high. In conversations with strangers and new friends, I am obligated to explain my past, not share about my future. My stories under the spotlight aren’t increasing. I know my value doesn’t change just because other’s perception of me is warped.

Going into The Real World, I was afraid to mess up a good thing. My life rocked, so why would I risk losing it? But this was a unique opportunity and I had to take it. New Orleans was fun, but it was also bizarre and stressful. During filming and as it aired on television was coo. I wasn’t just the popular kid in my town, my state, or in the country, but around the world. People who would have snubbed me in their selfish pursuit of cool, those individuals had to take me as I am. It was crazy…it didn’t matter where I went, I was the popular kid. If I had different values, that means I would’ve gotten laid a lot. But then again, dogs get laid a lot.

I could avoid this whole predicament if I played time-tested games of ego. I would be materialistic, discriminating, and shallow. I would strut in and out of salons and bars with the air of “do you know who I am?” I would surround myself with pretty people in fancy clothes. I’d spend all my money on a car and a house I couldn’t afford.

I am not going to create a new me to wash away any fleeting insecurities about being on MTV, then not. I don’t want to complicate my life by inventing new ways of acting superior. My life is much too exciting and rewarding to be anyone but myself.

My only dream has always been to find my soul mate. Next to her, nothing really matters. More MTV fame would make it next to impossible to find her. When we were in New Orleans filming the Real World, I was so frustrated that none of us could make any real friends. The people that made their way into our lives were manipulative and shallow. They didn’t care about us, just fame. As long as the cameras were rolling, they would’ve befriended seven tree stumps.

I’ve hung out with enough more-famous people to know that there are millions of women who will hold your hand through life for the wrong reasons. I could be rich and famous and miserable because I would wonder, “would she like me without all this?”

I am more at peace now that the whole Real World thing has smoothed out. I put a lot of pressure on myself during and after the show to do the right thing and to make something happen. I was in a tizzy trying not to screw the whole thing up. It’s been a long few years.

We lived in a house that was a televisions studio. We woke up each morning knowing our day would become entertainment for thirteen to thirty-five year olds. For better not worse, all that is done now. The episodes will continue to rerun, and I can relive the success of five months of my life.

But the reality of my life is what I do each day, not what I did.

“The race is long, and in the end, it is only with yourself.” I’ve written another journal entry about those words of wisdom. When we get stuck in cliques, rivalry is the only way to announce yourself to your small world.

In the bustle and glitz of the Real World experience, I felt frustrated because so much of me was wasting away. I am a designer and a painter a writer. –But that doesn’t matter now. Smile for the camera.

I was flying to Philadelphia my freshman year of college and read an article about Tony Bennett. I’d been a big fan of Tony, and was interested to learn more about the guy. He spoke about being an entertainer, but all he wanted to talk about was being painting. His work was colorful and expressive.

I’ve been abused for two years. Ever since The Real World, I’ve been abused.

I trust that if I am sincere, other people will be sincere too. I ignore the fact that I am on MTV, because reminding myself of that always causes bigger problems. But, I was not chosen to be on RWNO because I am a boring and undesirable person, so I have confidence that people enjoy being around me. But sometimes, they cling too much.

Now, after two years of this, I can look back and site a dozen new friends who had wrong motives. They liked the idea of being with “Matt from the Real World,” not Matt from Hiawassee. Since I am kind and friendly, it made our friendness all the easier to solidify.

They could be teenagers, college kids, or even parents.

People can be pretty reckless in trying to manage the Real World side of me. Usually, hot girls will try to act stand-offish or “who cares”. But they always stick around longer than anyone who really doesn’t care. Some will act like it isn’t even a part of me, but their vanity and attention to the rest of the worldly makes their oblivion difficult to believe. Others will demean and insult any bit of excitement over me. That probably pisses me off the most.

I hate having to question people’s motives. Ugh.  This is something I never knew I’d have to deal with. I was never loaded with cash and I wasn’t a hot girl, so I never had to wonder why people wanted to be near me. I could retreat from it all and be a jerk like everyone else, but why ruin the party? I won’t let those few screw up my social life.

You know it’s summer when the heat wakes you up before your alarm does.

Coming to this conference, I am able to get to know the teens that I am to serve. I know I am called to love everyone, but it is heartbreaking to pour so much into others just so they can walk out the door and serve themselves. Mother Teresa knew: people will be selfish, love them anyway.

I can pour myself into these teens with out fear of being abused. These kids are cool b/c they are leaders: mature, focused, and ready. They expect me to be man of God, not a man from the Real World. I am able to be who I am without being pestered for what I’ve been a part of. Who I am, who I am becoming, is beyond any moment I spent in front of a camera.

Each teen here is so gifted. They have so much to offer their friends, family, parish, and the world.

Since The Real World, I’ve been speaking at colleges, schools, and churches. I knew the first run of the show would wrap by Thanksgiving, then rerun here and there for another year. I knew I had to strike while the iron was hot, and reach as many teens as possible. I promised myself that I would stop speaking as soon as I became ineffective. I don’t want to be the washed up pseudo-celeb that talks about a show no one quite remembers.

With my schedule filled till 2003, I don’ t know when this will stop. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is–was–tired of this. The Real World is unexciting to me. But, to touch another’s life is unlike nothing in this world.

I am in awe of God. So clearly I see that this has nothing to do with me. Tonight as the the whole room fell on their knees in prayer, I looked out at the sea of hands lifted to heaven. Everyone was surrendering themselves, letting God take control of their life. I don’t think others could possibly understand what this experience was like.

So we went to see Star Wars Episode 2 at midnight. I’ve never really liked Star Wars, but there were dozens of my friends going, so why not?

Fr. Jim, Jason, and I rode over to the theater together after Mass. Fr. Jim just got a new sound system in his car, and the bass tube was rumbling through the seats.

There were people waiting in line since dawn to get a good seat for the viewing. I read in the paper a couple months ago that a guy was camping out waiting for an Episode 2 ticket since January first. I don’t’ know…I felt a little dorky getting there an hour early.

There were a lot of people that wore Star Wars costumes. I couldn’t do it, but it made my night more entertaining to see the Anakin Skywalker waiting in line for popcorn.

The theaters were so rowdy and happy. I signed a couple yearbooks for some Real World fans. When I was in middle school swapping yearbooks with pretty girls hoping they would write something flirty…I never thought that in ten years I would have high schoolers from other parts of the country ask me to sign there yearbook. This is a funny perk in my life.

Like I said, I don’t really like Star Wars movies, but this one was cool. There wasn’t that geek talk between ugly aliens and all that mess…but an exciting journey around the universe. I guess you’ll just have to see it to know.

When all twenty theaters let out and the mob poured into the parking lot. There were three teenagers dressed in full Star Wars garb, doing choreographed fighting scenes with light sabers. This was the moment they had been waiting for. They were so serious and hardcore swinging around those sticks. Hundreds of people passed by wondering, “I can’t believe they are doing this.”

Fr. Jim cranked up the car, turned to me and said, “That was the dorkiest thing I have ever seen.”

(BTW…you would think Microsoft Word would have “dorky” and “dorkiest” in their dictionary.)