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Three years ago, my sister Kristie and I were talking about our shared experience of high school. She is two years older than me, and we shared a lot of the same friends at both of the high schools we attended. We were laughing at old stories, remembering weird times, and sorting out memories.

She finished the night with a bit of wisdom I’ll never forget: “High school is the only time where everything that isn’t important in life seems important.” These word surprised me because Kristie was very popular in high school. She even did it right by avoiding common pitfalls of high school: drinking, drugs, and boyfriends. She had the ideal high school life, and yet even she can look back and know that it was all a joke.

Half of the experience of “high school” happens after you graduate and spend thet next ten years trying to figure out what the hell happened. The same goes for college. Like most people, I made it through both high school and college. And while others were off to adulthood, I chose another social experiment called “reality television.” Not just any reality show, but reality shows on MTV, the stage for culture of cool. It was like going back to high school with drama, cliques, lies, and bitterness. Except this time it’s worse because I was with other young adults who should know better.

It’s been two-and-half-years since I was on a reality show. But at least once a month I’ll have a nightmare about being on the show. I used to have nightmares about going on “The Real World” again, but now they are all about being on the The Road Rules Challenge. They are awful stories where I’ll unwittingly wander into a show without being prepared. Either I didn’t physically or spiritually prepare to appear on the show, or–like last night–I’ll find myself in the middle of a physical competition that I know nothing about. To make matters worse, the people on the show with me are never my friends. Never. It’s me against the world, and the world is always irrational and foolish. I don’t understand how the people in my dream can collectively be so in tune with one another’s oddities.

I woke up several times this morning absolutely relieved to live the life I am in. It was a thrill to see the darkness of my room, the gentle glow from my alarm clock, the pulsing of my laptop light next to my closet. I finally climbed out of bed and stumbled over my suitcases on my way to the bathroom. I dipped my hands into cold water and splashed my face. I looked at myself through the dirty mirror on my wall. Water dripped down my forehead and off the tip of my nose. My hair was all over the place. My shirt collar was stretched and almost hanging off my shoulder. I looked horrible.

I looked down and saw the framed picture of Candyce at I from my 26th birthday. A huge sense of peace and excitement shot through my body. I am so happy to be alive.

I have to stop traveling at so much. In 2004, I was in the studio 50 hours each week for 52 weeks. That might seem like an unimpressive time sheet for an over-achiever, but consider that I spent 43 of 52 weekends on the road. That’s a lot of work. I am proud of these numbers, but I’m beginning to feel stunted by the grind.

In the three years since I’ve graduated college, I have been in a creative gridlock. I have tremendous creative freedom at lifeteen.com, and I love every pixel of it. I have creative freedom when I travel and speak. So what’s the problem? I have no time or energy to be creative with other projects. I could keep doing this work/travel thing, but I will inevitably keep doing the same thing. I’m ready for something new.

Maybe all kids from “The Real World” deal with this problem–the inability to see beyond the present “good life”. In a society that adores fame and fortune, most people wouldn’t think twice about going on a TV show. You just do it. And that’s what I did. If you have a chance to do another show, you better damn well do it. What could be better?

I meet random people on the street, and they are always ready to tell me who’s on the new Road Rules Challenge. It’s fun for me to hear, because a lot of these people are my friends, and it’s always good to hear what friends are up to. But when you see the same people going back on yet another show, I can’t help but wonder, what are you doing with your life? Will you be doing this when you are 30? 40?

It seems like the Road Rules Challenge has become a career for some people. For other kids from reality shows with no sequels, the thing to do after your show is to travel and speak at universities. This is the ultimate affirmation for someone who’s trying to sort out their identity. When you have a booked speaking schedule, you know that you were cool on television. People like me, they really do! But you’re not just an airhead celebrity, you are smart and eloquent. You are worthy of standing behind the podium at a university, commanding the attention of academia.

And that’s what I’ve done for the past four a half years, and I am ready for something different. After clocking in over 225 talks, I am ready to slow down. That means only two weekends a month. This is a difficult decision, because speaking is a ministry, something I love and share with my whole heart. It’s not just a gig. It is my passion! But, it’s time to have a little faith and stop a good thing.

With two weekends free each month, I can make nomoho.com and kustoms.com into very big websites. On the other two weekends, I’ll travel and speak, and have some cool sites for people to check out when I leave.

Whenever things get crazy in my life, I’m just thankful I’m not dealing with the stress of being on The Real World or the Road Rules Challenge. I supposed in hindsight, going on those shows was fun…or something. It’s just not healthy to live like everything you say and do will be criticized by millions. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the president.

I am thankful that I can go to sleep at night. In college, I was always up late studying and working on projects. I averaged five hours of sleep a night, and it was miserable. So every time I set my alarm clock for eight, it’s a beautiful day.

I’m thankful that my car works. Through most of my childhood, our family van was always broken. No vacation was complete without a day spent on the side of the Interstate. I feel so confident and proud when I hop in my car and trek 300 miles across the desert to the beach.

You never know what other people are thankful for. My uncle has chromes disease,; and he told me that any day that he is not in pain is the best day of his life. Soldier come back from war, and suddenly being stuck in traffic isn’t that bad. For some people, it’s a thrill that their hand works again, so using a pencil or throwing a baseball is a thrill.

Candyce and I pray each night, and we’ve made sure to share things that we are thankful for. At first we were thankful things in our life, then we started to be thankful for random things. Candyce is always thankful for her eyesight. I thought this was a little goofy at first, but if you think about how your life would change if you went blind, you quickly become grateful.

My brother thinks he is losing his hair. He’s in his early 20s and it’s freaking him out. I don’t think he’s really losing that much, but one hair is too much. He thinks its because he stresses out to much. So today I recommitted myself to a stress-free life. I like my hair and want to keep it. But it’s more than that.

The Bible says that worrying is useless because it ruins today, and it doesn’t change anything. It never adds a day to your life. So worrying does absolutely no good. Even if I do go bald, that’s no big deal. When I think about kids with cancer, they are bald and they could also die. I could be bald and live.

I’ve thought a lot about my image this since I’ve been on The Real World. In high school, I learned to be confident with myself and accept who I am. But I went on a huge show on MTV, there are millions of people who pick me a part. Most people grow up and out of that drama, but I’ve been smothered by it for the last four years. Again, I learn to be confident with myself and accept who I am.

But it was hard to go on the Road Rules Challenge and be compared to the other cast members. The show forced us to be very critical of each other so we could decide who deserved getting voted off. So everyday, my physical strength, personality, leadership, and charm was being measured against a dozen very impressive people. We all woke up each morning wondering, “Am I valuable to these people? What am I worth to them?” It’s not fun.

You can spend your whole life trying to change who you are. People spend billions of dollars each year trying to feel better about themselves. It seems like we can never get enough. There’s always someone we can compare ourselves to, someone who’s better at something. At what point are we happy? It’s not enough to be talented, funny, good looking, and successful. You wonder why you can’t be smart and charming too.

People always admire someone with a good self-esteem. Young people need to know that everyone can have a good self-esteem, not just people with pretty body parts. So through it all, I just have to be thankful for how God made me. He didn’t make any mistake when he made me. (Or you.)

*Stretches and yawns*

Last night I went to the “MTV20: and Barely Legal” party. It was a rad night in the big city.

Johnny and I went shopping on Fifth Ave in the afternoon for some clothes to wear to the event. We started at Kenny Hwang’s jewelry gallery to get some bling bling. He is such an extraordinary jewelry designer. The bedazzle he gave me was handmade shattered crystal and sterling silver. It is hard to describe, but it was so tight. My favorite piece was my “glass knuckles.”

The party was a rockin’, star-studded event. It was fun to hang out, meet, and be entertained by these people that have been staples of my CD collection since I was a freshman in high school. Here is a list of my “meet and greets:”

Flea, Anthony Keatus, Tony Bennett, 311, Edenâs Crush, Boy George, Cindy Lauper, PDiddy, Salt n Pepa, Downtown Julie Brown (she kissed me), Tommy Lee, Sum 41, Bon Jovi,and Aerosmith via Satallite, Hanson, Joe Macentire, Rob Zombie, Blink 182, Fred Durst, Sway, Kurt Loder, Serena Alchul, Tyrese, Jane’s Addiction, Kid Rock, Billy Idol.

After the party we made our way to Lotus. As usual it was pretentious, claustrophobic, and decorated with ego. I didn’t know you could fit so many gods in one place. We bailed and grabbed some early breakfast at a local diner to fill up where the sushi didn’t. I probably got to bed at 4 AM or so. I wonder what Tony Bennett did last night?