I don’t feel like myself right now. I have all of this emotions flitting around inside of me, none of them settling down so I can identify them. After writing and deleting the last couple paragraphs, I know it’s because I’ve been watching TV since Saturday. I hardly watched TV since high school, and it’s a strange place to be again.

Television creates these unreal worlds that entertain our mundane worlds. You just can’t win. You are stuck to a couch going nowhere, doing nothing. Then you let the flickering box show you lives you’re not living. Yuck.

Matt M. gave me a demo CD he made for his next album. He did a duet with Danielle that is such a mysterious love song. I think the lyrics are from Psalms, but there’s a line she sings: “Kiss me beyond my lips…”

Love. It’s the greatest gift from God, and we are just learning how to experience it. You have to share it or you’ll die. You have to accept love, or you’ll die. Matt M. said I needed to let people love me.

He’s right. I can have tens of thousands of people sign my guestbook, get fan mail… I am so happy they take the time to write and that does me a lot to me. But do I let those around me love me? I am surrounded by so many people that I really like. I call them good friends—they are good people and they are my friends.

I’m not afraid of being loved. I let my family love me a lot. We’ve always loved each other.

I am safer when I keep people at a distance. I’ve let people into my life who had the wrong intentions. I do get abused, in small and big ways. That’s what happens when you are Matt from the Real World. I could let people walk through the door and become closer to me, but I’m not going to stop what I am doing just so I can cry and hug a warm body.

Maybe I’m gone too much…

I know love isn’t emotions and affection. I know that. I just don’t know where to go from here. I just need to take those moments being around others, and let there be more love.

“Kiss me beyond my lips.”