It’s late Friday night, early Saturday morning. I’m adding journals from the year 1999 and 2000 to the new version of This is the time period where I tried out for The Real World, got on the show, and consequently began my 15 minutes of fame.

It’s fun to read my old journals and relive the excitement that comes with new adventures. I know that real life isn’t like that, where opportunities are handed to you all the time. It’s up to me to create more opportunities for myself. Not to go on another show so I can pretend to be a celebrity. I’m talking about opportunities where I can live a satisfying life where I know all of my talents are being used.

What frustrates me right now is that I have to fight so hard for opportunities at work. Everything is an uphill battle. Everyday I have to succeed in spite of the circumstances. It’s one fight after the next. I know that if I stick it through a couple more rough years, more opportunities will come my way. I know that eventually we will start producing shows at the studio that we will broadcast through But should it take two years of waiting and praying to get there?

I just get such an awful feeling inside of me. I have it right now. It’s the feeling that I’ve had my whole life when I feel locked by my circumstances, the circumstances that others have created around me.