There are some TV shows that you can watch without any explanation or disclaimer: Law & Order, Lost, or The Wire. Other shows require a brief introduction before you bring them up in conversation because you fear that people will judge you as shallow, stupid, or easily amused: The Real World, The Hills, The Real World.

As the title of this blog suggests, I’d like to talk about The Hills. Here’s my introduction:

“My wife’s sister goes to ASU. She’s busy studying and doesn’t have Tivo, so she records The Hills at my house. On Saturdays I’ll be in the kitchen remodeling while she’s in the living room watching The Hills…”

You get the idea.

Now I would like to offer some tips to all the young ladies how to be cute like Lauren, Audrina, and and Whitney. These 8 simple techniques will add a splash of cuteness to everyday life.

1. Dancing

When you are dancing, it’s critical that you dance with your arms above your head. Dancing with arms below the head can not pass as cute. Dancing is not limited to night clubs. If you want to communicate that you are having fun and you only have a few seconds to work with, lift your arms above your head. Smile. Rock and spin your hips.

Diagram 1a: Above head= cute

2. Conversing

At no point in your day are you allowed to speak to another with out touching your hair, face, earring, or necklace. Although there are many options for fiddling with your hair, it is best to adjust your bangs away from your face. Avoid tucking hair behind your ear. Although this will prevent your hair from flopping in front of your face, you’ll also rob yourself of the next chance to look cute by adjusting your hair.

Diagram 02a: In this rare scene, all three people adjust their hair. Lauren (top), JustinBobby (bottom left) and Audrina (bottom right)

 

Diagram 2b: Audrina knows how to be cute, especially when she’s on a date with a moron on a motorcycle. Clockwise from the top: Adjusting an ear ring, lifting her bangs, listening (see number 04), and twiddling of hair.

Diagram 2c: Below, Heidi and Audrina, adjusting their hair while taking turns talking…

Notice the subtitle read: “To hang out. Kind of stuff like that.”

3. Vocabulary

It is not necessary to use a variety of words to describe anything. (See above.)

4. Listening

If you are waiting for your turn to talk, continue adjusting your hair (see diagram 2c). But if it i clear that you will not be speaking anytime soon (herein defined as listening), it is best to adjust your hands accordingly: place your hand beneath your chin away from your hair.

Diagram 4a: Lauren’s trademark listening gesture…

The most glamorous way to listen is to make the shape of an “L” with your thumb and forefinger (think “Loser”). Now prop your chin on the thumb and press your finger against the side of your face. Occasionally nod your head and smile. This will give the perception that you are fascinated.

04. Not Listening

“Not listening” is a bold gesture used to signal to be used sparingly. Prop your elbow on the table and relax your fingers; they will naturally curl into a loose fist. Now rotate your fist back to expose the inside of your wrist. Avoid eye contact with the talker, and look around the room in search of something more interesting. This position is best used to communicate that you are uninterested in the conversation about Spencer.

05. Pronunciation

Words like “to” and “you” and “cute” should not be pronounced too and yoo and cyoot. That was so last millennium. Instead, aim for “yow” and “tow” and “cyowt.” Give it a lift as you are finishing the word, almost as if you were running out of breath. You might think this sounds odd, and it will, but it is cute. Cyowt.

06. Flirting.

Like any other conversation, it is important play with your hair. But flirting requires more attention to the details. First, position your body away from the boy that you like. Next, tilt your head to the side. Now rotate your eyes towards your boy and flick your eyes wider. Repeat if necessary.

While flirting with Steven from High School, she played with her necklace (left), then continued with her hair (center, right). Cyowt!

 

Summary:

So girls, there you have it! Tune into The Hills on MTV for how-to videos.

For all of you guys out there, I don’t have much advice for you. To grab the attention of the girls from The Hills, I’ve found no evidence that you must do anything right (see Brody, Spencer, and JustinBobby.) But I will warn you that adopting the persona of any male from that show will not increase your probability of impressing females. That stuff only works on TV. In real life, you need to be intelligent, charming, and responsible.