I floored the gas pedal and the car leaped forward like a cheetah. In seconds I passed sixty. The engine revved and the turbocharger hissed. I accelerated through the turn and the tires chirped. The road straitened out and I pushed it to 85. No one was around, just me, the road, and the desert.; –I slammed on the brakes and watch the world whip past me. I sat there on the bare desert road, adrenaline throbbed through my veins. The only sound was the humming engine and the wind whipped dust across the desert. I could’ve squeezed blood out of the steering wheel. I love horsepower.

It is a Volvo 850 T5-R Wagon. Wagon? For most people over 25, “station wagon” is synonymous or “boring” or “I’ve given up on being cool.” But the 850 T5-R is a sports car that I backpack for the adventure. I can have fun when the light goes green, and still have room for my paintings, luggage, and a few friends. This is the kind of car I want, but not this one. I handed the keys back to the owner and hopped in my PT Cruiser to drive home.

Traffic was thick, so I had plenty of time to think about “driving a station wagon.” I know it’s vain, but deep down I love thinking about things that don’t matter. My last show will air this Monday, and who knows what that’ll be like. The editors and storywriters hold my world in their hands….it’s been that way for almost two months of television. There’s a lot of big stuff going on in my life.

I am in a tug-of-war with life. I love the intensity of “The Real World” and “The Gauntlet”, but I savor the intimacy of having dinner with Candyce. What will the rest of my life be like? For the past three years since “The Real World,” I’ve been looking for examples of where my life is supposed to go. First I looked to other kids from the show to see where their lives have gone. We are too different and there’s no comparison.

I realize God created me unique. I am not ordained minister. I am not a celebrity. I am not a Webmaster. I am a little bit of each. I don’t know where this adventure will end, but the uncertainty is most of the fun.