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While Candyce was at Mass on Sunday I watched an episode of MTV Cribs dedicated to 50 Cent’s house outside of Hartford, Connecticut. (I’m pretty sure he bought this from Mike Tyson’s ex-wife.) I should start by explaining that this estate is massive: 17.6 acres, 48,515 square feet, 19 bedrooms, 19 full and 16 half bathrooms. MASSIVE!

Does 50’s house make him not gangster?

If I were in high school living with Mom and Dad, I might be jealous of somebody with a house that big. It’s the ultimate stage of glamor and success. But anybody who owns a house watched that episode with a different perspective:

1. Maintenance. I know 50 isn’t pushing a vacuum around a house that’s half the size of a Target store. That means he has to hire people to maintain the inside and outside of his house. Think of the chores: mow the lawn, spray for bugs, maintain the pools, remove dead tree branches after a storm, repair cracks in the driveway, change light bulbs, etc. The list goes on and on.

   Since 50 doesn’t want to manage armies of workers, my guess is he got smart and hired full-time estate manager dude. At the end of the day, 50 has to sit down with this guy in the kitchen to find out what’s going down around the house. I’ve never seen this meeting in a rap video. Gangsters aren’t supposed to know about the flowers being planted in the pots next to the front door. That kind of stuff is just supposed to happen.

   

   17.6 acres of manual labor.

2. Relationship drama. My house is just under 3,000 square feet, so it would take 12 houses just like mine to match the size of 50 Cent’s house. Even with it’s diminutive size, Candyce and I get in at least one fight each week day because we’re trying to communicate when we’re in separate rooms. After 30 seconds of playing shout tag, we end up in the same room exasperated and angry:
   

   What were you saying? I answered you didn’t you hear me?!

   It’s gotten a little better each month since we’ve been married, but I can’t lie and say that we have this whole thing worked out. We get mad a lot.

   Now, if 50’s girlfriend is at the house, how are they supposed to talk to each other? If she makes a “quick trip” to the kitchen 300 paces away, how is 50 supposed to find her when she gets lost? It’s a funny scene to imagine 50 and his hotty girlfriend trying to find one another, almost like a hip hop version of Marco Polo or hide-and-go-seek. What if half way through this game 50 stumbled upon a groupie from 3 nights ago who got lost on her way to get a get a blanket from the closet? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing.

   Let’s presume 50 is monogamous. If he and Hotty want to keep the relationship sweet, the most reasonable solution is for both of them to carry walkie-talkies everywhere they go. When 50 struts to the game room to get a lighter for his cigar, he’s got a walkie-talkie in one hand. When she steps into the boudoir to slip into something more comfortable, she’ll come back to bed carrying a walk-talkie. That’s just not sexy. No gangster points here.

3. Losing Things. When I lived in a 1000 square foot apartment after college, I never lost things. I lose things ALL THE TIME now. And it’s not because I’m losing my mind; there is just a lot of space to devour my stuff. Poor 50 Cent. If he loses his keys in his 50k square foot home, he won’t make that 10 O’clock meeting in the city. He’d be smart to chain down his TV remotes. Because once they’re gone, they’re gone! He’s stuck watching the same channel because he’s too tired to make the 40 foot roundtrip to the TV and back. No gangster points there.
4. Bumps in the night. Anybody who owns a home knows what it’s like to hear a bump in the night. Even if you have a security system, you hear something like that and assume that somebody is breaking into your house. With a modest sized home, you can pick up your baseball bat, do a couple laps around the house, and be back in bed in under 2 minutes. It could take 50 Cent 45 minutes to scope out the joint. He might even have to stop half way through the rounds just to make coffee to stay alert.Now that I think of it, I bet 50 doesn’t even hear most of the bumps in the night. Again, if you consider how large the house is, it’s the equivalent of me waking up at night because I heard my neighbor knock over a vase 3 houses down the street. So in 50’s palatal home, people could come and go as they please. There might be members of Eminem’s D12 setting up camp in a remote corner of the west wing. Really, Kanye West could break in and film a music video while 50 is fast asleep. To give Kanye the gangster points he deserves, you’ll have to take ‘em away from 50.

I guess 50 Cent has realized his house is not that gangster, which is why it is for sale for a cool $18,500,000. I doubt 50 will get that much money for it, but he only paid a modest $4,100,000 for it back in 2003, so whatever he gets for it will give him a hefty profit.

Now that’s gangster.